valentine's :) - 2026/02/14
i'm not going to make this one a long one, just trying to get something out for today while i'm on vacation.
this time last year, i was miserable. i didn't know what i wanted, and i constantly felt ill from being pushed and pulled in ways that never sat right with me internally. i wanted to be with someone that i could love with all my heart, as well as someone who would actively create and foster an environment where that love could healthily be a priority for both of us. tragically, that was not something i was able to find at the time, or really to the fullest extent for many periods previously.
this is not to blame my past partners; i very much so was also at fault for not creating that environment. i guess historically, while it was easy to find the love, i never knew how to take care of it. some of this is age, some of this is bad role models in my life, some of this was a result of committing to those who weren't committed, and some of this was really just bad decisions. i think the common thread among all those past instances was that i failed to really recognize that by far the most important thing to feeling romantically fulfilled was creating an environment for turning that initial infatuation into sustainable growth. i was aggressively picking at flowers in the field that i found pretty or interesting, never really gave much care as to how to pot that flower so that it could stay that way forever. i guess it makes sense, i never was committed to a 'garden', so of course i didn't have the natural realization that the new flowers needed to find a healthy and potentially permanent space in that garden.
the past few months with my current partner have been by far the happiest i've ever been in a relationship. for one, having the same thought process from OCD has been a big help in actually being able to communicate and act on all the weird quirks and tendencies that i have (and am trying to work on). i also do have some sense of logistical commitment, in that i don't have a countdown in the horizon in leaving/changing my lifestyle dramatically. and on top of that, i also just have way more experience with relationships than i've had in past. but i think beyond all this, my partner has actively been someone who has made an effort to foster an environment of care. being able to always feel respected and appreciated, as well as always having someone to respect and appreciate!
beyond all that, it's been a genuinely fun time in my life with lots of great vibes. getting to experience the big apple (wow!) through someone who i feel represents that life has made leaving vancouver a lot less painful (in exchange for making the few trips away from nyc way more painful lol). while it's only been a few months, the fact that we've crossed off many of my bucket list entries has been so fulfilling.
i love that they are willing to get on a cheap flight with me to a random city for the weekend. i love that dance in the kitchen while doing karaoke and eating trader joe's snacks. i love that they will get zooted out of their mind with me. i love that they will make me a makeshift eyepatch and doodle on it when i get pinkeye. i love that they will bring me premium cookies and make me extra fat. i love that they know me so well to get such amazing gifts (yeah p-dog!). i love that they will love my love for my rotund bird. i love that staring at each other can be an activity. i love that they will let me talk on and on and on and on about my favorite music and media. i love that they still are competitive with me when it counts. i love that they are an amazing cook and baker. i love their super cool hairstyles. i love that they'll get me sick every other week but take care of me. i love that they are very honest and communicate with compassion. i love that i could even stand in line with you at the fucking dmv and still have fun. and i love that i have someone to love and someone to share my life with.
happy valentines! love you lots xoxo